The Art of Asking for Help: Caregiving Doesn’t Have to be Done Alone
Family caregivers are often described as strong, dependable, and selfless. They are sometimes called heroes by their friends. Most days caregivers feel anything but strong or heroic—more often they carry guilt, uncertainty, and exhaustion.
Whether you care for an aging parent, a spouse, or a child with complex needs, you may feel that you should be able to handle everything on your own. And when your friends congratulate you on how strong you are, how much they admire your selfless work, it becomes that much harder to ask for help. We are here to tell you that caregiving doesn’t have to be a solo journey.
Why So Many Caregivers Hesitate to Ask for Help
There are myriad reasons why people don’t ask for help when they need it. Let’s go over some common ones:
Guilt: You may feel that asking for help means you are failing. You feel duty-bound to care for your loved one and don’t want to admit that it is difficult.
Fear of burdening others: Inviting others to share your burden seems like an imposition. What if they resent that you asking for help? You don’t want to inconvenience anyone.
Loss of control: Inviting others to help may upset your carefully balanced routine. What if they won’t do things my way?
Past experiences: Maybe you have already tried asking someone and it didn’t go well.
Your loved one objects: Sometimes the person in our care doesn’t want anyone else to help them. Embarrassment or fear keeps them from wanting to be seen in their condition.
Pride or perfectionism: You don’t want to admit that you need help.
The Hidden Cost of Doing It All Alone
When caregivers avoid asking for help, the cost can be high:
Physical exhaustion
Declining health
Emotional burnout and resentment
Increased isolation and loneliness
Less patience or joy in caregiving
Follow this link to stats that show the impact of caregiving. Financial burdens, health complaints, and stress at work are all common experiences. Don’t feel like you are doing something wrong if you want help.
Sharing Your Burdens with Others
Especially as Christian family caregivers, it is important to remember that we are created for community. Galatians 6:2 reminds us to “bear one another’s burdens.” As a part of the body, you have gifts that can be utilized to help others, and in return they can help you with their gifts. Here are some benefits to sharing your burden with others:
Allow others the blessing of serving
Protect your health
Find rest and replenishment
You won’t neglect meeting together and will find encouragement
You won’t feel loneliness and resentment creep in and allow you to stray from God or behave in a sinful manner
It is hard to pour out love from an empty cup. Finding ways to stay connected and take a rest are essential, not optional.
Practical Tips for Asking for Help
Asking for help does not mean asking for everything all at once. As long as you are not in a crisis situation, it is better to ask for small, things that will add up over time. Be specific, make a list, and involve family proactively. Here are a few ideas:
Ask for someone to sit with your loved one while you run errands
Request a meal (s) during a difficult stretch, post surgery, etc.
Ask a friend to check in weekly by phone/text. You stay connected and they can alert more people that help is needed if you are struggling
Share prayer requests
Find a support group in town or explore caregiving programs online
Welcome your pastor/chaplain to your home if you can’t make it to church
Ask a family member to take over a task that you are not good at (John does the bills, Mary does the laundry, etc.)
Clear, specific requests make it easier for others to say yes. People love to say they can help, but they don’t know what you need most. Tell them.
Overcoming the Fear of Asking
I wish I could say that everyone is willing to help. Sadly, not every caregiver has a family that will drop everything when called. Fear of asking for help should not hold you back, however. Here are a few things you can do:
Pray: Always start with prayer. Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you.
Start small: Choose one manageable request. Don’t start by asking someone to relocate or give mom their spare guest room. Ask someone to sit with your loved one while you go to the store, your own doctor’s appointment, or to church.
Choose people that match the job: Not everyone will be good at everything. Some people are good at completing tasks, others at emotional support. Pick your people carefully. Ask people you trust and feel comfortable with in your home.
Release expectations: Sometimes people don’t respond how you hope. That’s okay. Pray about it and move on.
Expand your support system: We need to be willing to step out of our comfort zone. Don’t hide your struggles out of a misguided attempt to look like you have everything handled. You never know, there might be someone at work with a similar problem and you can give encouragement to each other.
A Final Word: You’re Not Alone
Ask for help if you need it because you are not showing weakness. On the contrary, you are showing wisdom and strength. Your dedication to getting the best care for your loved one shows that you are the right person for the job. Remember why you decided to be a family caregiver and put your trust in God that it will all work according to his plans and for your good.
